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Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
pelicons
I’m very loyal to whatever brand is on sale
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.