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A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
He sampled.
He loved.
I bought.
He hates.— an epic tale of love and hate featuring the Costco snacks I’ll now be eating for the next 45 days
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people
Clown: How many uncomfortably?
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
Years ago, I worked for a company that sold sandwiches in airports. I once got a complaint email that someone’s chicken cordon bleu sandwich was missing the chicken. I replied that “cordon bleu” was French for “not there”, and I haven’t felt that level of job satisfaction since.
“I DO NOT DRINK TOO MUCH!!” I scream angrily at the neighbors garden gnome
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
If you love someone let them go, if they come back without donuts let them go again.
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
If I’m a bit quieter this week, it’s because I’m on a mission to to find out where you got the audacity
if i’m losing an argument believe me i’ve recognized that long before you & i’m already picturing eating a can of campbell’s chicken noodle soup when you’re done
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?