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The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
as president, I will allow people to use the same password as before when changing their password
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
can we all agree that Mini Cooper drivers need to put an extended flag on the back of their cars so the stalls where they’re parked stop looking empty?
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
Ain’t no way
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
There should be something just for fun on the ballot, like voting for the best flavor of ice cream . I think that would get a lot of people really excited to get involved
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
9yo niece: *eyeing my engagement ring with suspicion* THAT doesn’t look like a real diamond to me
me: *eyeing my husband with suspicion*
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
