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Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
being a social worker is crazy because those are literally my 2 least favorite things
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
Anakin: Want to go out?
Padmé: Ew. You’re 9.
Anakin:
Padmé: Talk to me in a decade when the age gap between us is exactly the same.
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime