You Might Also Like
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
do not bother me while I am eating my tacos and drinking my oversized margarita or I will become feral and add you to my taco meats
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
🛁
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
The morning after pill, but for tweets