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*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
The most important thing to remember when driving is that not everyone is smart.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
if you have ‘on that grind’, or ‘never stop grinding’ in your bio I am assuming that you are a sausage maker and i will have a dozen mild italian.
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
Schrodinger’s Immigrant: A person who is simultaneously too lazy to work, but is also stealing your job.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
The coolest part of the Bible is where one couple somehow populates the world by having kids from every race and ethnicity.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g