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My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
son: Where’s mom? I need her to sign my permission slip
me: I can do it
son: My teacher said it has to be an adult
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
GHOSTBUSTER: so wait, you called us because your neighbor painted his fence purple?
ME: it’s strange, weird, and it doesn’t look good—your lyrics couldn’t be more clear about this
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
In space, no one can hear…
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?