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Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
moderator: your word is “impatient”
sloth: can you use it
moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“
sloth: in a
moderator: you know what close enough *ding*
sloth: oh great thank you
moderator: what the
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
bat life
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary