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The closest I come to hiking is when I eat trail mix.
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get togetherlooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
Modern Way to Name Babies:
1. Pick 2-3 names
2. Chop each
3. Blend together
4. Mix in the letter Y
5. Allow time for mixture to settleCongratulations on your child McKimberlynn.
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what