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Whenever I test drive a car and the Salesman decides to come along, I lock the doors lock eyes and say “We ride together, we Die together.”
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
Science fact: If you took a human intestinal tract and stretched it from the Earth to the Moon, you would definitely get fired from NASA.