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[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
I got no respect for anyone who has ever uttered the phrase “don’t fill up on bread!’ when they are at a restaurant. Like, buddy I been filling up on bread my whole life, you think I’m going to stop when we are at the place that is giving the shit away for free?!
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me
So I did what any reasonable person would do
Walked into a lamp post and fell over
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Holy crap this is wonderful
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
Three men tried to rob my friend at gun point yesterday in Atlanta and he was so annoyed he was like “what do yall want? Advice? Cause I don’t have any money”LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
[sketchy parking lot]
stranger: hey man, can you jump my car?
me: maybe if i get a running start
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.