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I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
The most realistic thing about Stranger Things is how much time kids in the 80s spent without parental supervision.
How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.
WIFE: This chowder is beautifully creamy, the briney flavours complimented by the celery and onion, with the apple cider rum a perfect accompaniment.
CHEF: Thank you.
ME: *putting a cocktail sword in a mussel* Look Sharon. A clamurai
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
At first I was afraid
I’d be electrified
I dropped a knife over my toaster now it’s trapped inside
& I spent oh so many minutes
Thinking how to right this wrong
The current’s strong
Will I be dead before too long?
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
just gave your address to some spiders
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Just Friends is my favorite movie that shows fat guys how to get out of the friendzone through perseverance and becoming Ryan Reynolds.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool