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I could never work at subway because I’d say, “I got your foot long right here,” no matter what the customer ordered
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
rewatching 2016 and 2020 election night coverage at 2x speed, to catch up with the first two in the trilogy before the finale drops tomorrow
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
*looks up*
*looks down*
*looks up*
*looks down*
*turns blueprints over*“Shit.”
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Top uses for Golf Balls:
1. Describing hail storms
2. Describing tumors
3. Playing golf
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
Someone put a scale in the office kitchenette with a sign up sheet for “new year new you” this is an act of terrorism and I will be engaging in hand to hand combat with them at noon today
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
My husband fills the Halloween candy bowl early, expecting I’ll have no willpower and eat it all within 4 days, but joke’s on him this year: I haven’t touched it, I keep 2 bags of candy in my night stand.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
I heard girls like guys that are mysterious so I just put a fog machine under my bed
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.