You Might Also Like
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
tourist season
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America.
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
*on walkie-talkies
Them: you don’t have to make that noise with your mouth it happens automatically
Me: Oh. Roger that. Over. kkkssssh.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Martin Shkreli has been arrested. Bail will be set, then quickly raised to an amount he can’t possible afford.
*overeats sugar*
*gets diabetes*
*gets limbs amputated*
*can finally smile authentically in pics now that not worried what to do with hands*
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.