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[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
Me: How much for the goth cucumber?
Clerk: That’s a cactus…
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
Next time I get asked in an interview what would I do if I win the lottery I’m going with “I’d start a cult” and see where things go from there
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster