You Might Also Like
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
I’ve never been on a diet but one time I had to wait until my wife left the kitchen so I could sneak some more cookies before dinner.
Reset password
‘SevenDays’
Your password is week
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
lol
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.