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Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
Until I had kids I didn’t realize that “bouncing off the walls” was actually a literal statement.
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
After 4 hours on this teams meeting I’m not wanting to be a team player anymore
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
deleting my mental health to focus on my social media