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Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won’t be noticeably different from last year’s and we’ll have to update our TVs halfway through.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
I tell my kids winning isn’t everything and then I steal money from the monopoly bank.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
I’m dying louder than usual today.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
God: [inventing a tiger] ok so this is gonna be a cat who eats frosty cereal
I use a wheelchair. I carry a copy of a Stephen King book about a murderous clown. I just roll with IT.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.