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Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
My grandpa would be 97 today if he hadn’t double-crossed me
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
Meeeee too!
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
The only thing stopping cheesecake from being a breakfast food is you.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
my bf is sick and i offered him a cup of throat coat tea and he (extremely blearily) went “throat goat???”
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Imagine the things Wile E. Coyote could have done if he’d had access to Amazon Prime Days.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.