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I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Was today a good day? No.
BUT
Did I manage to make it through the whole day without running over my own purse with my car?
Also no.
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
A 27yo asked me to come home with him!
I was quite flattered until he told me his mum was away and so he probably only wanted me to cook a midnight snack for him!
“And on the 7th day, He rested.”
Yeah, because He didn’t have any kids yet
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: Okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
My alter ego is Wander Woman because my superpower is forgetting why I walk into rooms.
Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Not to brag, but I don’t need an excuse like being a wealthy CEO or corporate greed to have people wanting to murder me
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…