You Might Also Like
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
Not to brag, but my best yoga pose is awkward facing dog.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
The problem with wearing a reversible shirt is that at some point I want to show off how it works
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
I’m no auto mechanic but I’m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.