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Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Reminded of the time I was at college, coming home to find my ma worried sick because there’d been rioting in Belfast. ‘I didn’t see any of it’, I said.
10 o’clock news comes on and there I am walking past a police land-rover being attacked with my headphones in. None the wiser.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Remember, if you start with, “It’s crazy to think…” you can say whatever you want.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.