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I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*
I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
My son called someone a rascal. I thought he turned 11 a couple weeks ago but clearly it was 80
During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
You call it Witness Protection, I call it Hide and Seek.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe that when the crops fail a human sacrifice is required
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty