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Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
[learning to drive stick]
Dad: hands at 10 and 2
Me: ok
Dad: now go ahead and shift
Me: *sweating*
Dad: shift
Me: *slowly moves hand*
Dad: 10 AND 2 ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL US
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.