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[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
I love texting my boyfriend
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.