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Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
(Arrives at Topgolf bay for date night)
Wife: have you registered here before?
Matrix: idk, put my email in.
(“Osama bin Golfin” pops up on the screen)
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
being human is disgusting sometimes but i don’t think i’d want to be a fish
“Strap in ladies, it’s going to be a bumpy ride,” I say as I put on my extra supportive sports bra before my workout.
Put a bar inside Home Depot you cowards.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.