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Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
Fun Things
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
ME: What if I have a robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.
ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?
PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.
ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?
PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
Roses are pink
Violets are red
Get on your knees
And do what I said
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
It’s reached a point where my local Krispy Kreme sends first responders to my house if I go more than two days without buying donuts.
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
[wedding vows]
Me: I vow to make sure you see the brake lights ahead of us.
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.