You Might Also Like
My wife wants to rent a wood chipper next weekend, in case I suddenly stop tweeting,
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Accomplish whatever tasks you have today with the confidence of a kid who claims to have brushed their teeth
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
Some questgivers in Cyberpunk 2077 give you ominous warnings like “DON’T keep me waiting” and it bothers me so much.
If you really want someone shot, something stolen or someplace exploded, you can wait for me to find a pair of jean shorts to complete my outfit.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
Me trying to “trust the process”
I don’t dress for women. I don’t dress for men. I dress for the weather, mainly.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
🔥🔥
1970s: “Hey baby”
1990s: “Hey babe”
2014: “Hey bae”
2020: “Hey b”
2030: “All hail our glorious squirrel overlords”
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
Big scare this afternoon. Was asked to identify a body at the Coroner’s Office after an accident involving the rotors of a helicopter. As you can imagine, I was so relieved it wasn’t Bob from ground crew. Bob had a head
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
I try not to worry about things outside of my control, or things that are the direct result of my deliberate choices.