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Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
[How the rap feud started]
Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?
2pac: sure, no biggie
Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]
I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
I can’t stop watching this.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
Got talking to a girl last night, asked her name. She said everyone calls me Vivaldi. I said is that because your a great Violinist.
She said no, it’s because my names Viv and I work at Aldi.😳😳
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born