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I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
Most googled search terms today
Before the eclipse: How to make my own cereal box viewer?
After: How to tell if my cornea is sunburned?
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
Trainer: “ok, lets warm up 1st….wait, where are you going!?”
Me: “tanning bed”
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
Tonight I realized when I’m on video calls I bite my bottom lip like I’m trying to awkwardly seduce everyone on the call. Why am I like this
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
This checks out
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
The three genders.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
The cell connection was bad so either your daughter is going to Yale or to jail. Either way, hope she’s out in five years or less.
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.