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Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
Always the bridesmaid, never the father of the bride.
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.