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An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
[on date]
Him: Honesty is very important. Be upfront about things. We have to trust each other. It’s how love works.
Me: I’m Batman.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
What if all the cashiers are married?
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.