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Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Oh, I bet you would be
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
cutie flirting w/ me: “Excuse me, how much does a polar bear weigh?” 😉
me, trying to be helpful: “An average male polar bear weighs up to 1,500lbs!”
cutie: “…’enough to break the ice’?”
me: “Haha I hope not, but climate change is having disastrous effects on their habitat!”
[cranking up the heat on my slow cooker]
Me: *whispers* slow cook it faster
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Me: You’ll never take me alive.
Executioner: Yeah that wouldn’t make sense.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.