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For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
The stickier the better.
-Rice, obviously
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
me: you guys sell gift cards?
funeral parlor director: what?
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
Just like pasta, it is better to bend people to your will with boiling water and a large wooden spoon than to break them in half.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
Cult pretty laid back about my leaving.
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
Main problem with house prices is the numbers are simply Too Big. What is six hundred thousand dollars. That’s just word salad. A house should be “fifty bucks”
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs