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You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
Pretty sure we domesticated dogs first and were like yes this is amazing let’s do another one, then we domesticated cats and were like yes that’s quite enough I think
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
“T.G.I.F!” – not Jesus, probably.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Duck typos.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I dropped my soap in the shower. On purpose. Nothing happened. You guys are full of it.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
I love surprising my girl, today she woke up single!!
Sat in the waiting room at the vet and a lady just came walking in and goes “oh f**k, I’ve left the dog at home” 😂😂
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.