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“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Zombies started running in movies and life has been chaotic since
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
My children will either grow up with a sarcastic, dark sense of humor or they’ll wind up a serial killer team. Either way, I’m excited that I won’t have to drive them to birthday parties.
if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:
Happy April Fools!!!
VS.
Happy April, Fools!!!
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
Sorry I haven’t been able to get back to you, I’ve been pretty busy chasing this cherry tomato around my plate with a fork. Almost. Got. It.
Most girls: “I hangout with guys, there’s less drama.” Me: “I hangout by myself. There’s no drama & I don’t have to wear pants.”
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
SON: I’m moving out as soon as I turn 18 and you can’t stop me.
ME: [pumping fist] If you insist.
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee