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meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
THE KRAKEN: Yes, I’d like to renew my lease, please.
LANDLORD: Re-lease the Kraken!
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Kids have been at camp for 10 days now – we’ve been so curious to hear ANYTHING about camp and finally one letter came last week – which opened with the heartfelt and powerful words of:
“had to write this letter to get a snack”
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
“are you ok?” no i took the cereal bag out of the box and now it won’t fit back in
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
If you can’t beat them
Just try sunny side up
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.