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They should make a moral fiber supplement
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
💀😭
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
Just show up everyday and be consistent.
Toddlers make it easy to do that especially when they come to your room and just show up in your face, silently, at 3 am staring at you.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
All I’m saying is that there is enough time left of 2020 for some guy to open up a theme park with real dinosaurs that will eventually break free and eat us all.
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.