You Might Also Like
“Don’t you people have jobs?” — Me yelling at everyone for driving around on a Tuesday afternoon while I’m driving around on a Tuesday afternoon.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Her: I chose you for your brains
Me: aww
Her: in case I ever become a zombie
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: 😮 hampire
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail