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Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
I like when the rain is misty and you get to feel like a grocery store broccoli for a little while.
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
[praying mantis home]
“Happy Mother’s Day, mom”Aww, thank u, son
“Mom, why did Dad leave?”
[turns head away 180°]
I was hungry
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Me: It’s a dinosaur park…
Investor: Oh god yes, here is enough money to cover it going horrifically bad multiple times
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
LOIS LANE: let’s watch the super bowl
CLARK KENT: ok *takes glasses off regular bowl*
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s