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Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Normal person: I’m in a bad mood.
LA Person: It’s like, uh. Do you— there’s like a weird energy out there today, right?
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
VIRUS PRO TIP: DO NOT use your hands to press elevator buttons, etc. The virus can be transmitted onto your fingers which in turn can get you sick. I’ve found using my tongue works better bc theres no way it can get onto your hands
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
I don’t understand why I cant lose weight. I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Orcas are not our friends
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor