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I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
I’ve finally found a book that speaks to me. I believe it’s called an “audiobook”.
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
Split the bill
instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
“If you don’t ask, you don’t get” isn’t always true because I definitely did not ask you to be such a massive tw#t.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Lonely nights, we’ve all been here. Pretending to choke so someone hugs you. Pretending a jellyfish stung you so someone pees on you. Usual.
[Looking out the window]
Me: I don’t understand this show.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Give a toddler a crayon and he will eat that crayon. Teach him how to color and he will eat more crayons.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here