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Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
My 5-year-old talks to me about our solar system like I have no idea it exists, “do you know about the sun? It’s a star.” Yeah I know. I was the one that told you about it.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
An apostrophe is just a comma
trying to move up in the world.
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
What do you hear?
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Once broke up with a girl cuz I didn’t like the way she agreed with me
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
MURDERER: [looking for me] You better of hidden well or you’re dead
ME: [under bed, tears in my eyes] It’s better HAVE
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.