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What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
my daughter told me that I am eating my elderly era. I’m not sure what that means and if I should thank her or ground her
Psychologist : What is troubling you.?
Me : Well, doc, I think I can see into the future.
Psychologist : Into the future? When did this start?
Me : Next Monday.
I can’t convince the kids to come for dinner yet my husband convinced them he can do backflips, but only in his backflip pants, which he has misplaced.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Based on my hair this morning . I think I might be a muppet .
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
Whenever someone asks why I have a bandaid on I say “I was fighting a henchman on top of a moving train and I got hit by a bee”
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
me: i need a dr appointment
reception: ok plz verify your birthday
me: it’s this friday
reception: thanks
me: but you don’t have to get me anything
reception: umm, ok
me: there’s really nothing i even need
reception: ok i wasn-
me: size 12. in rollerblades i’m size 12
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
If your drug dealer is on time, it’s a cop.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?