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Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
I’m at my most athletic when I’m running up stadium stairs to buy another beer.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
I cut the size tags out of my clothes because I disagree.
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
The weatherman keeps saying we are getting a pounding.
*Followed*
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Huge if true.