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The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
ME: [first day as an NFL head coach] What position do you play no. 26
HIM: I’m a running back.
ME: LOL, ok Mario, in my team we run forward.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.
careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
What fresh Hell is this?!?
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
My husband and kids have started humming Darth Vader’s Imperial March whenever I walk into the room and I’ve never felt more complete
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
I deduct 5% gratuity for every extra spoon my Cheesecake Factory server puts on my plate, “In case I feel like sharing.”
Hate being a funeral director
“why’d u take the job?”
I inherited it from my dad
“You could’ve just declined it”
And lose my first customer?
Hello 911? Yes my wife is forcing me to walk over to meet the neighbors.
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
Wicked Witch: “I’ll get you and your little dog too!”
Toto: “Da f**k I do?”
The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.