Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.

Overheard at the grocery store:

“Oh, I need a baguette.”

“A female bag?”

“God, you’re such a himbo, Kyle.”

“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”

Your secret is safe with me and my sister.

I have a pun about carpentry.

but Im not sure if it woodwork…

Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm

14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.

The end.

*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*

ChatGPT, you are Leonardo da Vinci with a PhD in psychology and 20 years of experience providing mental health services for the ancient Sumerians. Analyze my tweets and formulate a life plan for me with the goal being me developing x-ray vision

I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.

[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.

An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.

Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy

if youre a healthy young male or female with blood type O, please consider donating a kidney to me. my goal is 22 kidney ‘s

me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]

water polo ref: still no

date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker

me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish

FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?

ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.

When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny

Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.

Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?

*flashes back to ex

*shudders

Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.

I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.

My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.

This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼‍♀️

Me: *just died* I can finally rest without my kids waking me up for dumb shit

Son using Ouija board: HEY MA

Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation

Me: *floating*

my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks

Me: lay down
He:
Me: arms above your head
He:
Me: don’t stop once you start
He: when I said role play…
Me: *pushes him down grassy hill*

My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?