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[Not realizing Black Mirror episode is just stuck buffering]
“Ah yes, this is excellent social commentary”
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
you’re supposed to store treasure in your cleavage that’s why it’s called a chest.
cop: way to go, mystery inc., you’ve caught yet another monster
shaggy: no problem
cop: lets celebrate by eating those brownies we saw in the mystery machine
shaggy: haha lets not do that
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
Choosing the correct font is crucial…
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Word of advice.
If you forget to put on deodorant, sneaking into the walk-in freezer at work and holding your shirt up doesn’t solve the problem.
Also that creepy coworker will get even more creepier if you forget to close the door behind you.
Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
When I laugh on my period
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
If you go to an animal shelter and ask for a cat, they get really upset if you play them like a guitar and scream ROCK YOU LIKE A FURRICANE.
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag