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“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?
Wife: Right here!
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?
Me: Yes
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
I think airplanes would be way cooler if the wings flapped like a bird
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?