︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎
You Might Also Like
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
we should be able to doordash someone a snowball to the face. like tis the season biatch.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
waiter: did you enjoy your meal
me: honestly not really
waiter: yeah your meal sucked. why would you order that. back in the kitchen we were all like why the hell did he order this. it was hilarious. jesus christ man. gotta be one of the worst orders ever
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
Astrophysicists still struggling to explain the Big Bang Theory: “It’s a corny show! We just don’t get it!” said one astrophysicist.
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?
Me: I don’t even think about work at work.
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.