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Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
This one, by a wide margin
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Therapist: have you tried meditation?
Me: sure, sometimes when the kids scream my mind goes blank and I float above my body
Therapist: that’s dissociation
Me: potato, potato
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
On March 17th, 1992, I asked my parents for directions to a restaurant in Brooklyn. As of 7:30 this evening, they’re still arguing about it.
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Rastafarian guy in the sauna this morning was telling me I should be making my own honey. “Anyone can buy a bee”, he said. I nodded, taking it to heart. There was a 10 second pause, after which a Polish bodybuilder in the corner interjected: “you need more bee”
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
Bruh PLEASE
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
They should make a drug that recreates the feeling of having your number called earlier than you expected at the DMV.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
Having to choose between an old guy or a convicted felon is a perfect depiction of what dating apps are Iike
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.