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[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
back to work
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
I can’t remember if my best friend’s nana is alive. She was ill, but I can’t remember. Obviously I can’t ask him. I’m in some sort of Schrodinger’s Nana situation.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.
I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*