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What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
lot of the younger folks won’t know this but if you yanked hard enough on a land line telephone you could pull the phone out of the person’s hand that you were talking to
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
For newbies
DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subwayalways here to help! All day 👍
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
They should have a WebMD where you google your symptoms and it just says “It’s nothing. You’re fine. Stop googling it.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Me: God, please stop giving me your toughest battles
God: you literally just have to empty the dishwasher
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
We could all chip in, buy Rolling Stone magazine, and take turns being on the cover.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.