︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎︎ ︎︎ ︎ ︎ ︎︎
You Might Also Like
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.