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If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
a god among men
FYI: Waterparks can’t call it a “lazy river” if they make you get out to pee.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
Therapist: remember the key to a happy marriage is poise and self-sacrifice.
Me: [writes down poison self; sacrifice] that makes a lot of sense Doc.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
ouch
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
Never make a promise you can’t keep rescheduling.
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
“Dad! Mom wants to trade with me in Monopoly! I need you to help me negotiate a good deal!”
– My 11yo, about to find out the hard way that the only thing I can negotiate with my wife in Monopoly is my own quick demise
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!