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Me: Absolutely broke.
Advertisers: She’s ready. Target her with the nicest shoes ever.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
buying dead houseplants to save time
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
my wife: “we should go to that buffet where you slipped on fettuccine alfredo you spilled while running to the cheese fountain”
me: “you’ll have to be more specific”
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.