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[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
Creepy-crawlies
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
“This shirt that the team was wearing smells disgusting. I need to find an appropriate state to name it after.”
-Inventor of the jersey
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
spouse: what are you doing
me: i’m writing a pilot
spouse: oh that’s so cool 🙂
me: thanks *starts typing* dear han, so who really shot first?
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
I never ran away from home but when I was six I asked everyone else in the house to move out.
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
Fun Fact: rock lobsters are easily identified by the tiny electric guitar they hold in their claws
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier
“hey what’s that sqiggly thing on the ground?”
“i don’t know, it looks kinda like a w or m”— how the worm got its name
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
When I die, please put my dead body on a roller coaster but don’t buckle me in
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
I went to a school that was so posh, the gym was called James.
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts