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John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
Gonna teach myself how to play the bagpipes. Wonder if I should tell the neighbors
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
Orcas are not our friends
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
Uh oh 👀
