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Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
Spring of Deception
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
why is putting on shoes so embarrassing i always end up sat on someone’s hallway floor fighting for my life as they’re trying to say goodbye to me
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
(Teaching a Kid to Ride a Bike)
ME: Ready?
KID: *angry bleating*
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?