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When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
I told our stepmom that when you first log onto Zoom calls, you’re supposed to put your face close to the camera and open your mouth really wide so other callers can examine your teeth.
My brother just sent me an angry text.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
My Grandpa reached 110 yesterday.
That’s the last time I get in the car with him driving…
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Frustrated with my 23 y/o daughter I said, “God, give me patience” and she replied, “when you ask for patience, God doesn’t magically give it to you. He gives you opportunities, like this one, to become more patient” and now she’s grounded until she’s 40
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.