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I giveth and I taketh away because I recycleth.
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
First day of our road trip going well. My husband made an itinerary showing the first scheduled stop at a Love’s gas station 275 miles away. What my husband forgot: I have physically birthed 4 children.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
I think someone broke into my apartment and took a bag of almonds.
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*