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Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
Man wait until y’all realize that I’m the same person who posted this back in the day 😭
My life has BEEN weird. I got stories for days.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
All units be on the lookout, suspect is armed with hunky shoulders, soft eyes and dreamboat hair. I don’t even remember what he did anymore.
Yesterday I donated $10, just not quite sure where because it fell out of my pocket.
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
You: (about to show me a video on your phone)
Me: oh haha ya i’ve seen this already but def don’t ask me any questions about it
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
#Caturday
This can never not be funny 😭😭
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
“My therapist told me to create a calming atmosphere,” I tell the manager, after lighting every candle in the store.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Landlords are so amazing. Do I think it’s possible that five gallons of water have fallen through the light fixture and onto a bucket on my bathroom floor because the upstairs neighbors “are not shutting the shower curtain properly”? No, my sibling in Christ, I do not.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
scenes of unspeakable carnage
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Women just want to make us better men, not drain our life essence. And sharks are just trying to kiss us but their teeth get in the way.