Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.

-me as a witness, describing the murderer

wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?

me:

*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl

Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.

*both typing*

5:02pm
you: babe i love you

5:02pm
me: do you think shark pee is what makes the ocean salty

[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]

And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!

Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge

Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle

Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.

Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??

Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?

9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.

Me: ok..

9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma

Me: ok so

9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something

Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta

I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms

One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.

I drove my new Corvette over to see my daughter’s puppy. First time I took my Vette to the dog.

I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks

The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.

My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.

It’s almost like we’re living in a zoo if we charged the animals in the zoo for taxes, food, rent, and healthcare.

WHAT????? IS HAPPENING WITH THESE NEW SPAM BOTS

Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”

Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”

thoughts and prayers for my teen who just said she’s sick of asking me to do something

excited for next month when the “hide likes” feature breaks for 11 hours and dozens of politicians have to navigate public apologies / divorces

I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.

If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this

Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.

If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?

#SpinachDay

I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.

I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.

Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?

Walmart after hours
Walmart after dark

Almost anything…

I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.