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I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
Me with a black eye: You should see the other guy – he looks amazing. I think he moisturizes.
F.Y.I. You pee on a jellyfish sting not a jelly stain.
Again my apologies to the lady at the IHOP this morning.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Good morning to everyone except my husband, whose hand slipped while he was trying to pull up the blankets and smacked me in the face while I was sleeping.
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
[christmas morning]
ME: I have no gifts to bring
EVERYONE: booooo
ME: …pa rum pum pum pum
EVERYONE: yayyyyyy
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct