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I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
Priests have a different personality when they’re not saying mass, because in the church they’re using their altar ego
…and send
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
My political views don’t have to be the same as your political views and that’s ok. One of us has to be a dumbass.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.