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MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
the new ghostbusters r all womans?? seriuosoly. all womans?, this is the most unrealistic thing about the movie about peopel who bust ghosts
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
remember
only for emergencies
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
9: Whatcha watching?
Me: Tiny Houses.
9: Wow it’s tiny! Who’s gonna live there?
Me: Two people.
9: Are they married?
Me: Not for long.
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me