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Schrödinger’s Dumpster
8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
menswear guy has entire hockey teams begging him for mercy
No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
all bases covered
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
*lint rolls you awake*
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
When people talk about someone who died, they’re always like “They had the biggest heart, they would have done anything for you,” but I feel like when I die they’ll be like “She would sometimes text you some halfhearted advice.”
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Currently experiencing the worst thing that can happen to a person (folding laundry)
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
when people make fun of me for reading fiction, I don’t get mad. I simply invite them down into my cellar for a glass of fine vintage. they have never read Poe; they have no idea what’s coming.
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
