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My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Crush: what u up to
Me: about to take a shower and listen to music
Crush: nice, what kind
Me: *nervously* one with water
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Every industry in the country, he lets put our products in these handy useful resealable ziplock bags!
Cereal & chip mfg companies, nah we’re good
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”