︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎
You Might Also Like
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
Terrifying if literal: Liquid Plumber
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.
Dracula: Vhere? Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.
Dracula: Here?
Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..
Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??
car not found
I got a 20% pay rise this year. Not from my employer; they couldn’t afford to give pay rises after the big bosses got their bonuses. I just stopped doing any work on the one day a week I work from home.
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.