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The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
That contouring makeup doesn’t work on my belly.
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
My parenting style is best described as “No” with a side of “Ugh. Fine, but please don’t hurt yourself.”
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
“Hi, I’d like to ask a question.”
“That’s why I’m here.”
“Actually, first I’d like to make a statement.”
“Sorry, this is the questions desk. You’ll need to take that to the statements desk.”
“Uh-huh and where’s that?”
“Not sure. I’d say ask them, but they don’t take questions.”
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
date: I come from a broken home
bob the builder: *bites lip* how broken
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Friends that check up on you >
they really do be looking like this
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
A friend helps you before you need it
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
me: omg did you just steal that from the kitchenware department? you could’ve got caught!
him: what can I say, I’m a whisk taker
If my tweet gets more than ten likes, it’s a classic. If it gets fewer than ten likes, it’s a cult classic.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold