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The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
LMAO
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.
If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.
If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.
This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts
Oh my god
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
I cannot call her anything else now
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”
Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
lesbianism is all fun and games until your wife has filled the house with more and more yarn and fabric for her textile crafts
there is another woman in my relationship and her name is Joanne Fabrics
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
