︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎
You Might Also Like
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
I once read a book about an assassin that would identify at least 5 items in any room that he could use to kill everyone else in the room with him if need be.
When I enter a room I identify at least 5 places I could take a nap if I need to.
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
To accommodate the size of my wife’s new water bottle we’ve replaced the passenger seat of her car with a cupholder
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
taking June’s advice to heart
