︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎
You Might Also Like
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
Heaven is like arriving at Disneyland. Hell is like still being at Disneyland three weeks later.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
My child just threatened to never watch tv again and I can’t decide if he’s really bad or really good at threats.
You’re an adult – you can eat the whole tube of toothpaste if you want to. No one can stop you
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
wife: what’s wrong?
slug: boss said I work slowly.
wife: he’s harsh. take it with a grain of-
slug: TAKE IT WITH A GRAIN OF WHAT, DIANE?
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
I wonder if my daughter and her roommate understand that all this stuff has to fit in one dorm.
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King