︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎
You Might Also Like
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud
MEN:
Developed Theory of Relatively.
Walked on the Moon.
Painted the Mona Lisa.Baffled by bra hooks.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
Running away doesn’t help you with your problems. Unless you’re fat.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
The worst part of getting a chain wallet for your birthday is that now you have 3 days to send 10 chain wallets to your friends.
What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
2: [looks at old photo]
Papa you have no beard?Me: That was a long time ago, before Papa grew one.
4: [looks at same photo]
This before Mama had one, too?My wife:
Me: [sighs] 4 years. You had a good run, son.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder