︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎
You Might Also Like
I know this now 😂
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Love this one 😂🧟
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
At a local restaurant, I got on one knee and she said yes. 13 years later I haven’t got the balls to tell her I was just chasing a crouton.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
it be like that
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
The coronavirus is exactly like that houseguest who won’t take the hint to leave but who also won’t stop killing people.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.