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[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
They say olive oil is really healthy and you should put it on everything, but it makes my cat look like an otter.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
*Walks into school*
Simon says give me your Pokemon cards
Ok now close your eyes
*Walks out*
Kids are so dumb I didn’t even say Simon says
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
⛄️
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter