๐ฆ๐ต๐ผ๐ฟ๐ ๐ฝ๐ผ๐ฒ๐บ๐ ๐ฑ๐ผ๐ป’๐ ๐๐ถ๐ป ๐ฎ๐๐ฎ๐ฟ๐ฑ๐
so imagine
a thousand
bad
stanzas
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Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
If youโre a size 0 we shouldnโt be able to see you.
Actually, itโs illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
[family therapy]
JIMMY: My dad turns everything into a movie reference
DOC: Why do you do that?
ME: I want to develop a bond, James. Bond
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
๐ซก
Iโm exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That donโt impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok thatโs actually really good.
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
“I heard that taking your shirt off can make you appear more aggressive and self-confident.”
“Ok, but we already said you got the job.”
My 4yo informed me that she was โless than not half way doneโ getting ready for school. My guess is sheโll be ready before I figure out what that means.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
If she hides her money in her bra, thatโs called a treasure chest.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
โWeโre promoting you to Anchorโ
Reporters: ๐
Sailors: ๐
