Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.

Curiosity didn’t kill that Black Cat. It was Jesus. It crossed his path and Jesus is very sensitive about being crossed.

How about a game where Mario gets a job and gets his coins like the rest of us.

[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badly

ME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex

Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.

Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends

[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people

Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.

My wife and I spell out words so our toddler won’t understand what we’re saying, but we both spell like shit so we can’t understand what we’re saying either.

Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks

Me, 45: Looks like a million hams

Website: you must be of legal age to view this content. What year were you born?

Me at age 11 (playing it safe): 1753

This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!

[first date]

him: what’s the one word that best describes you?

me: I’m acerbic

him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia

me: no it means I have a sharp tongue

him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food

Creepers gonna creep
Peepers gonna peep
Weepers gonna weep
Beepers gonna beep
Sleepers gonna sleep
Sheepers gonna sheep
Dolphins gonna eeeeeeeeeeeeeep

Shout out to Grok for making this image I requested of elderly people hugging for an article I’m writing and not realizing until after I submitted the piece that this guy has two right arms in different sleeve material.

[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”

“You have 999 new matches”

It’s called the Summer Olympics so one of the events should be running in flip flops to catch the ice cream man

“Oh. Wow. Oh. Jeez. We didn’t think everyone was gonna bring a bag!” -airlines

Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.

I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.

I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets

LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?

I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”

I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i mend relationships

professor boyfriend: oh wow

Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends

Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying

This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.

Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?

Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.

[bed]

M: “I’m freezing.”

H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*

[1 min later]

M: “I’m hot, get off me.”

Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125

“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”

“Just do the damn laundry”