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I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?
Me: cause you’re a pessimist!
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
dinosaurs are always described as “roaming” the earth which is patronizing as hell i bet they had places to go and important shit to do
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
If I had a nickel for every bread pun, I’d have a pun-per-nickel.
My wife is in a Facebook group called Buy Nothing where people list stuff they’re giving away.
The other day, a lady came to our house to pick up two granola bars that we didn’t like
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Teslas don’t have “New Car” smell…
They have an Elon Musk.
“Mom how do you say ‘thank you’ in Asian?”
-my friend’s kid, so loudly, at a sushi restaurant in Frankfurt
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.