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“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Me: Send pics
Her: What do you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Her: What?
Me
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
Just saw a bird run across the street if you were wondering if anyone else is wasting their gifts.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
*first date*
Me: Well I have a dog, so a lot of my life seems like it’s controlled by them sometimes!
Her: Aw, that’s sweet. Pets can be like that!
My dog: *through my hidden earpiece* OK now tell her I’m a good boy
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
He instantly became one of the bros
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”