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“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
*bumps into old work colleague*
*chats for 30 seconds*
Them: “we should totally catch up soon”
My brain: no, this was enough catching!
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.