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Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
What are some weird things about living in the modern world?
I’m a regular customer of a restaurant that I’ve never been to.
Donuts have holes in them just like acoustic guitars but that’s pretty much where the similarities end
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
[at the pet store]
Me: I’d like a baby lizard please
[later at home]
Me: isn’t he cute?
Wife [heavily pregnant]: I said a baby monitor
BEACH BOYS: 🎶 Wouldn’t it be nice if we were older?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: 🤔
if i honk at this person maybe it will make them a better person
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
“Waiter, I’d like to send this back”
-m’am, I believe that’s your husband.
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
My dog after a walk in the woods.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”